saw parts.

i’m terribly bored at work today. but fortunately i have been saved from improper thinking. at least i think i have. today i received a package. it was a cylinder assembly and piston for rebuilding the engine of my chainsaw.

it’s a saw with a story. i was a dork in high school. i liked girls. girls didn’t like me. i went to college and found a girl i really liked and to my great surprise, she liked me, too! we dated for two semesters. then she broke up with me. i was devastated. so i consoled myself with the purchase of the largest chainsaw available in the area. 75cc engine. it could do some work. it served me well for years. but as with most engines, it gave out last summer.

well, today the transplant arrived and i hope that tonight the surgery is successful and Frankenstein rises. oh, did i mention that the replacement cylinder is a bit larger; that means more horsepower.

dad and i are going to work on it. my dad and i are a lot alike and also quite different. we’ve never been super close because it’s not in either of our personalities to be great at being open and communicating what goes on behind our eyes. we can both articulate ideas well and have rather a natural gift for teaching, but we’re both great at bottling our emotions. i never “blow up” i just bear it. very unhealthy.

it’s funny, but one of the parts i ordered for the saw is a compression release valve that makes the engine easier to crank. i’ve come close to having compression releases: running, alcohol, reading, etc. none of them have ever been perfect. never has the pressure been fully released.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11.28-30

and there it is. the release. it’s hard to learn to release. it’s hard to give up the load, the burden, that seems to be such an integral part of me. i’m so good at making burdens out of promises like this one that are meant to free us. 

i want to feel the release. i want to be free of the pressure i create within.

you release the pressure so the engine cranks more easily. once started, the engine is continually containing tiny explosions that create pressure that cause the saw to do work. hmmm..... explosions and pressure harnessed in order to accomplish good, productive work and labor.

perhaps, at times, the inner pressure could be a good thing.

who knows?

He knows.

thinking.

i think too much. or maybe i don't think enough. nope, neither, i simply do not always think properly. that seems closer to the truth. according to those who know me well, i am intense. they would probably say that holds true for all aspects of my life. i'm generally all or nothing. even in my thought life i operate on a rather intense level. sometimes this is good when i think properly, but bad when improper thought reigns.

how do i know if i'm thinking properly? "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4.8 well Paul just answered my question. but, what if i'm one of those people incessantly questioning? what if i want to have definitions and clarifications and such? i can easily paralasize myself (analysis paralysis). i think about something so much that i bring myself to an inward stalemate of inactivity.

we know what Paul means. think about the Gospel. think about Christ. think about the Church. Christ is true. to be abased by the Gospel is honorable. to see Christ hang upon the cross is to see justice satisfied. to see Christ's bride is lovely. for men to endure hardship, trial and suffering is commendable indeed. to behold the glory of God in the image of Christ is a vision of highest excellence. and to see the Lord enthroned on high draws us to praise Him, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God almighty!"

i think about such worthless things. my computer was going out on me and it consumed much of my thought for days. drama at one of my numerous jobs gets in my head and i let it remain. i'm such a fool to be harassed by such infinitesimal trivialities when i could be satiated with thoughts beyond language!

for many years i was convinced of my own humble and modest greatness. what a fetid waste! but lately Christ has gently shown me the great mire i had pleasurably chosen to indwell. oh what folly is the wisdom of men.

do you think what you think you think? often i do not. do you?

repent and believe.

the Gospel is simple. simple, yet impossible. we cannot repent if the Spirit does not quicken us to life. i have a simple tattoo on my left wrist; it is a reminder to me to leave my life in the hands of Christ. unfortunately, i take my life back far too often, or attempt to and deceive myself that i have taken my life into my own hands. lately i've been wanting another tattoo. my close brother, in advising me on tattoos, said that you shouldn't get one until you feel like that patch of skin is missing something. well, i feel like the reminder i have is missing its sister. my right wrist is longing to be like its brother. and there is a reason my right wrist is empty: it's quite a conspicuous location as it never holds a watch. if the cuffs aren't buttoned, then the right wrist is bared.

the companion ink would again be something Christ said. it would be the Gospel in it's clearest presentation. repent and believe.

jonah was told to spread that message, yet he refused. jonah listened, but he did not hear. all too often i listen without hearing. i am like the man who looks intently at his face in the mirror and then forgets what he looks like. how often my hearing is just listening, void of doing. more often than not, my faith is like one of the many books i've acquired only to look impressive filling shelf space.

i don't want that to be a common theme for me. i want to be one who takes the message instead of one who takes a holiday in the belly of the sea. maybe the companion ink would be a good reminder that i've been given a charge to take to the world.

takers. leavers. in a previous post i likened leavers to beLeavers. but maybe i should spin words and also be wise to recall that we are also, as beLeavers, called to take a message of salvation to the world.

life is simple, but it certainly isn't easy.

justice vs. mercy.

it saddens me to think of all the times that i've sung of God's mercy, yet i live as if justice is His only attitude towards us. i'm tempted, i sin, i agree with the Word that i have sinned, and then i beat myself up as if justice is what must occur.

sometimes justice is what must prevail. sometimes it is mercy that reigns victorious (i speak in regards to daily living of the believer, not in an eternal sense). i've recently found myself expecting justice and having no regard for the chance of mercy.

The Spirit corrected me monday night whilst driving to the coffee house. i had lied to myself. i was convinced that it was a shameful thing to ask for mercy when you knew you were guilty. but that's just it, you can ONLY ask for mercy when you are guilty. an innocent man does not ask for mercy, he asks for truth.

so yes, i am guilty. yes, i deserve justice. but, O LORD, give me mercy.

i am reminded of two passages that have been dear to me for many years. the first is the prodigal's return. he knew his father was merciful, yet was planning on justice, to work off his guilt. but the father, full of mercy, would let the son utter not a word beyond his confession of guilt.



the second is like it:
"But the tax collector, standing far off, would not lift up even his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!'"  Luke 18:13.  this man went home with the mercy he sought.

how often i foolishly confine mercy to talk of salvation alone. mercy is as much a part of sanctification as it is salvation. for we still stumble along this way. we still fall short. but why would we expect that justice is our lot now, when Christ has already shown the greatest mercy? fool am i.

in a court of law, justice must prevail.

in the throne room i seek mercy.

for the King is enthroned to show mercy to whom He will show mercy.

the great horde.

What are enemies? We Americans, we southeastern, Christian Americans, know little of enemies.  I cannot venture to say I have ever had an enemy.  Thus I have uncovered yet another barrier that has in past prevented me from beholding the fullness of scripture.  David's pleas to God for deliverance from enemies have had little meaning to me.  And yet in the same breath I can state that "O Yes, I know that now the enemies of the Christian and the Church are not ethnic or geographic, but spiritual. O Yes, this I know."  But do I?

"O our God, will you not execute judgment on them?  For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us.  We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."  2 Chronicles 20:12

Sibbes has recently shown me that I am likely not the only Christian who has an improper assessment of the power of our spiritual enemies and our powerlessness against them.  I am lacking in victory because I still rely on some strength I think is my own.  Yet have I not read that Christ is my strength and that victory belongs not to me, but to the LORD?

How foolish I am to remain defeated by the great horde of temptations, trials, allurements, snares, etc. that this world rallies against me under the direction of its defeated prince!  If God's grace is sufficient to save me from the hell of death, then are not His graces also sufficient to rescue me from this great horde that would devour me along the way of my journey to the heavenly Jerusalem?

Pain.

Pain. Not physical pain. Emotional. Spiritual. Oppressive weight of sin.

I teach high school kids and there are times that you can see the pain in their eyes. And stupid lines of professionalism and law prevent us. Prevent us from helping.

I had two friends who worked for DEFACS for a while. An organization whose role it was to help families, yet due to their regulations, they often did greater harm than good.

I sit here right now and the government that claims to care for the kids has pinned my hands behind my back so that I cannot help.

Or am I helpless? Sitting watching a girl cry who thinks she is unnoticed. I may not be able to move in her direction, but I can certainly move towards Father. I see her tears and so does He. I may have guesses about her pain, but He knows for certain.

I still want to scream out, though. I want to take her pain on myself, even if only for one moment. To let her know that others carry it with her.

Bones are easy to set in place. Itchy throats are easy to soothe. How do we mend broken souls? How do you administer healing to the inner man? I know that Christ does it, but when I’m told not to speak of Him, what do I do? I must plead with Him to set all things right and to restore His people to Father.

Restore us. Set these pains right. Give us the strength and grace to endure this momentary suffering.

Pain. Without it we would not know healing. No dawn can blaze forth when no darkness has come before.

Help us endure the darkness until the Sunrise.

Kongzi and Jesus

Would they have gotten along? I bet they would have been buddies. Heretical to speculate such? I don't think so, after all, Jesus was a friend of sinners. And the reality of it is that Kongzi probably, no, certainly, lived out the social implications of scriptural teachings. He lived a good bit before Jesus, but anyway.

I really want to say something about family or at least pose some questions. How do I show filial piety when I do not understand how? Or when I do not want to show it? I do not consider myself an exemplary person and doubt I ever shall. I would like it to be said that I have done my utmost. I know that cannot be said of me currently. I feel as Bilbo when he likened himself to too little butter spread over too much bread. I barely have the energy to think at certain moments of the day.

Today I have been thinking a fair amount about what Kongzi had to say about virtue and self and authoritative conduct. I drove to work in the rain and along the way thought to myself that the only way I would accomplish the needful things of this day should be if God grants the grace and energy to do those things. Right now I should be writing my third essay of the day, but I just don't have the brain energy to devote to the task right now. I will be needing an afternoon coffee in a pretty fierce way! But really, if there are things that I do not accomplish today, were they really things that "needed" to be done? Surely, as Father's son I should be striving to do my utmost in all things and if something remains unfinished then perhaps it is because I did not my utmost.

Which makes me think of Chambers' work, My Utmost For His Highest. But it only just makes me think of it, without anything weighty to convey. I feel myself spiraling into academic oblivion or at least he last thirty minutes of the school day before I leave for the University.

I can feel my brain. It's soft and squishy, like a stress ball. Perhaps I should squeeze my brain more often.

I apologize to anyone who has had the misfortune, or mental disorder, to read this far.

Better luck next time.

Jesus, though perhaps not his Savior, would have had some good conversations with Kongzi.