joy counted.

Some things will never make any sense. Many things will makes sense in time. Few things make sense from the start.

I have long wondered about trusting God. How do I really know if I am trusting Him? I can sit on a stool to prove to myself that I trust its integrity. I can drive across a bridge to prove my trust in the steel it's constructed of.  But how do I prove that I am trusting in God? How do I prove that I really hope in Christ?

Lewis has helped me lately. He warned me against the danger and folly of overmuch self-examination. Specifically regarding "actions" or "states such as love, hope, trust, and so on. I call it the Lewiseinberg Uncertainty Principle. It's similar to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that you cannot know the exact position and momentum of a particle simultaneously to the same degree of precision. I'll explain with the phrase "freeze frame." As soon as you "freeze" the frame all motion has ceased and you can know the exact position free of movement. As soon as there is movement, position vanishes because as soon as you think you know where an object in motion is located, it has moved. You can get pretty close to knowing both at once, but you'll always be slightly off on one, the other, or both.

Back to Lewis. Lewis described the experience of a hopeful sentiment, feeling, or state of mind. We all know that the heart, and mind, can be very deceitful. Our senses can trick us and our heart may lead us far astray. If you're like me, then you want to be certain that you truly are hoping in Christ. So when the moment comes to be hopeful, what do you do? You stop to analyze your hopeful frame, but the nasty trick of it is that when at once you pause to reflect and analyze, then you are no longer hoping. I must cease any exercise in order to analyze it. I cannot both run and study my stride at the same time. A special friend once told me that it's "more important to be in the moment than takin a picture of the moment."

For many years I wrestled with this unending scrutiny and analysis of my spiritual self. It was taking at best and suicidal at worst.

Lately, I have been given ample occasion to trust. And thank God I've not tried to analyze so much these last weeks; what joy!!

We've been advised, nay, commanded, to count it all joy when we face trials. Yet we have not been told to analyze whilst counting. Last night I got to spend time with brothers. I did not have to analyze, nor even suspect any falsehood in myself or in them. We are all the same. We all Fall short. We all trust poorly. We all relinquish our hope from time to time. Yet we have a Father gazing to the horizon, anticipating our return. And when we do return, as He knows we will, He asks not for an analysis of the hope and penitence that brought us back home. He knows all along that it was His love that drew us home. In fact, I suspect that it was Father Himself who made sure we were given jobs on pig farms to be kept alive.

Stay away from the Edamame salad at Publix; it wasn't worth $4.oo

Questions.

What do you do when you don't know what to do? I sat down just now to write something worth reading, but after typing a few lines I had nothing. I deleted all and began again, yet still I had nothing. Twice, thrice, four times and it was just empty. I want to say something profound, original, and perhaps even inspiring, but why this desire?

What if there isn't anything new to say? What if everything profound has already been said? All things original have passed? What if there is no more inspiration?

I am in a Chinese philosophy class right now and it's really sparking some fun thought. In the West we think linearly. Beginning. End. Start. Stop. Cause. Effect. Life. Death. In the East, specifically the ancient East they think/thought cyclically. Ebb. Flow. Relationship. Honor. Virtue. I will doubltess learn much in the course. One thing that is interesting is that Easterners do not have this obsession with Truth as many Westerners do. It's not that they don't believe in Truth, but rather that some Universal Absolute is not the pressing issue when there is a hungry mouth to feed or a cold hand to warm. Those who are concerned with Truth are right in concluding that Truth is true irregardless of where it is found. The wicked and the righteous can both truthfully state that gravity happens. I find, however, that many people dismiss Truth if it is not located in their Holy Writ. When Confucius tells a man to care for his neighbor it is just as truly a part of the second great command as when Jesus Christ says the same. When Paul was imprisoned and others preached the Gospel out of rivalry, he did not rail against them; Paul was glad the message of the Gospel was being preached. I think it foolish to discount philosophy that has grains of Truth in it, so long as we acknowledge it is incomplete and encourage the man who has heard the whisper of Truth to seek out the Shout.

Last night the Gospel was Shouted. Some heard it because it was the ambient noise in a cool place. Others heard it because it was the only thing they desired to hear. Others heard because they had already heard a whispered intro and now wanted the full Story in no uncertain terms.

What do you do when you don't know what to do? Who knows? Most of my questions are pointless, but they get me to rambling and my rambling usually takes me somewhere. To go anywhere, you must first leave your present locale. I may wind up where I started, but I may find new and distant lands.

Hmmmm.... I'm hungry

it's been a minute.

It's sad that any human would be less than truly himself or herself.  Well, that's where I've been for some time now.  I've been untrue to myself and even to many more.  I'm reading a book entitled The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes.  He's dead, as are most good authors.  You should check it out if ever you've felt alienated from the mercy of Jesus Christ or if you're unsure if you are a true believer.

I hope I am back.  And if I'm not back yet, then I will be soon. 

Hopefully, I shall soon be more aware of all the things that I already have to write about and to share.

Because it matters...

A friend made this. She showed it to me this weekend. For the two of you that are checking this blog occasionally, I hope you appreciate it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viFp-tjyqbQ

That is all.

Because there's always something to be happy about...

Wow, compared to the titles of my other posts, this one is almost Edwardian. Now there is something I've never observed until typing 'Edwardian' just now, my middle name is Edward, perhaps that's why I give such lengthy explanations of all things. Forgive me; I digress.

There is always something to be happy about and I believe it more now than previously. Yesterday we had a pep-rally. I left school with a funny feeling inside. The last time I had been at a pep-rally I was not enjoying it. High school was not a fun place for me. I did not fit in and knew it. Pep-rallies were times that really heightened my awareness of it because I just couldn't understand how people could get so worked up over nothing. And thinking back now I think it was one of many "Population Growth" moments in my life.

Yet, I was happy all the same. And even more once I left and began reflecting on who I was and who I am now. Even though I felt strangely out of place in that gymnasium yesterday, I was quite glad that I felt foreign. It was just another solid reminder that this place is not my home. I am bound for another place.

And last night I went to a bonfire with some of my closest friends. They're foreigners too. And we talked about the most varied subjects one could hope to enjoy. One of my friends listened to one of my trains of thought as long as he dared, but hopped off at platform 13 which is still a good way from the journey's end; he did it for his safety. My mind is a funny place. I was talking about sheep and Jesus and the way we use words and how I don't think Father ever means to insult us, but rather means to humble us.

And today I am working. Job number two. Only two and a half more hours. I'm counting. I'm also listening to a song: "Funny the Way it is".

It's very much about perspective. And the hands holding my life. If the hands are my own, then I have much unhappiness to endure. But if my life is held by another, by strong hands, then I have much joy to expect and experience. I don't hold my life, or at least I strive not to hold it. The Giver holds my life. And that is something to be happy about.

Population Growth.

Today's topic was population growth. I have a like-humored colleague whom I discussed a new teaching strategy with today. I call the strategy "Population Growth!" It's very simple. I wanted my students to learn about population growth? So I taught them population growth. Population growth? Like umm you mean when a bunch of babies are born. No, no, no, I mean population growth. That's what I was talking about. No, you weren't, you were jabbering about babies. I said population growth. Oh, like when you have a bunch of immigration. No, not in the least. I'm talking about population growth. I don't get it. It truly is quite simple: population growth. Population growth? Yes, population growth. Ok, so you want us to learn population growth? Exactly! Population growth....? You've got it, population growth!

It is sorrowfully amusing how quickly a lemming will follow. After a few short moments of what seemed to be mindless babble I had the entire class parroting "population growth." They were entirely clueless. They had figured it all out: just say the words. Then they wouldn't desist from chanting "population growth."

I think it a lamentable fact that many of us live out significant portions of our lives, and sometimes the whole, chanting "population growth" all the while remaining ignorant of what we are saying or doing. We are mockingbirds entirely, not knowing what we say.

And what's worse is that sometimes we parrot "population growth" and don't even realize it's actually a real message. In at least one case I know of, "population growth" is actually a real teaching. It's not the lunacy of a young teacher experimenting with behavior and learning in his classroom, but it is a real lesson. There is at least one case where the "population growth" message is taught, the students wrestle with it a bit and believe they have it, and then go out chanting "population growth." But they miss it. They're just parrots.

Many students guess that it's all just a game. Learn the rules. Play the game. Score a point or two. Come out the other side a winner. But what if, in the midst of the game, there is a real lesson? What if there are actually factors that affect population growth? Carrying capacity. Resources. Birth. Death. Emigration. Immigration. Predation. Competition. Disease. Natural disaster. Crowding. What if there really is immense profundity within "Population Growth" and you miss it because to you it's just a game that you've figured out already?

There was a time that I had figured out "Population Growth." I had figured the game out. And maybe even a game within the game. Was convinced I'd scored a point or two; I hadn't.

So what's the point of all this? And what is the motivation behind it? Well, to steal a bit from a confession I recently heard, part of it is vanity. Mankind is vain; I am no exception. We are wholly unlike other creatures in so many regards, but vanity is the current case in point. We believe we are the center. We are vain enough, proud enough to believe we have it figured out. Have you figured it out? Have you figured out the point of all this? What is it? Tell me what I want. None of my students today could tell me the point of the exercise. I am vain enough to consider myself a teacher, here, now.  Please forgive my vanity and accept the lesson as one I am myself learning.

Think hard. What's the point? Why did I do that little experiment? And why do I relate it now with so much garble? Think now, think. Why am I gabbing about parrots and games and whatnot? Think, it'll come to you. Why must I extend such an air of intellectual superiority in these lines? Think about it. What did I want from my students, from you, and from me? Think just a little bit more and you'll be there. Ok, have you got it now.

Population Growth?

Yes, population growth!

Chocolate Milk.

I currently work two jobs totaling sixty five to seventy hours each week. This is not new for me. I worked the same, plus did full time classes and TA'ed two labs during the final semester of my Chemistry degree. You do what you must, right? So the hours aren't really new to me. But there is one thing that is new: job satisfaction. During all these years I've never enjoyed a job itself. Now I do, which makes my other job exponentially worse than it's ever been. So I arrived at job number two today, the bad job, and was in no particular mood to be there this afternoon. Job number one is very fulfilling for numerous reasons; job number two is merely the paycheck it has been for roughly a decade now.

I'm at number two and decide it is time for a snack. I go to the filling station and purchase some chocolate milk. And then I go back to working and thinking about matters wholly unrelated to the tasks at hand; number two is mindless. Anyways, back to the chocolate milk...

I am never any less than astounded at how great an effect chocolate milk has on my mind. Today, as I savored the dairy, chocolaty goodness, a particular colloquialism crossed my mind: "Never look a gift horse in the mouth." I am fairly certain that is how the saying goes. I've done a bit of work on a horse farm in the past few months and so it seemed a good rabbit to chase as the milk did its work.

I would guess that the idea behind the phrase is that when something is given as a gift you should gladly accept it. Seriously? Horses are really great creatures. Smart. Loyal. Neat on many levels. They also require a good deal of care because of the harm humanity has brought to the natural world. You can't just release a horse when you can no longer care for it because the world, at least not the small section I live in, is not horse friendly. Horses are not inexpensive creatures. Some are only allowed to go to new homes after several thousand, even hundreds of thousands of dollars change hands. And then there is the pastureland needed, feed, vet bills, trailers, and a new diesel pickup to get your new child home. A free horse is all well and good, but it's only free to me until it gets hungry again. Horses are like me, always hungry.

So, someone wants to give me a horse. I'm not wealthy by worldly standards. It would be nice to imagine, but I don't have the disposable income to care for the free gift. But what if I did have a bit of pocket change for feed? I would wonder why I'm being given a free horse. Has it been mistreated and the owner wants to be rid of a "bad" horse (made so by the owner; no bad horses, just bad owners) and decides no one would pay so they'll "freely" give it? Check out its mouth and see if a harsh bit has brutalized the poor equine. Unhealthy mouth may not bode well for temperament or health.

So, I think I would definitely look the gift horse in the mouth.

And you know what? As all things so often remind me of something else, so did this. It reminded me of someone telling me once to count the cost. Count the cost of integrity. Count the cost of honesty. Count the cost of patience and humility. Count the cost of selflessness, self-denial, and self-sacrifice. Consider if you can afford to entirely forget yourself. Count the cost of Leaving.

And then, consider these costs when compared to what is being purchased. Is the current sacrifice worth the reward I get later on for making said purchase?

And then an objection pops up: how can I truly count the cost when I am so young and have experienced so little? Yeah, compared with what I have done thus far in life it seems like a good deal. But what if I forfeit something that I'm absolutely unaware of? Sure, it looks affordable, looks like a good deal compared to the past, but I've no clue what the future looks like.

And then another thought pops in: commit! Man, folks are so wishy-washy these days. Non-committal. Flakey. Indecisive. Uncertain and unsure. No determination. No tenacity.

Sure, I've no clue what the future holds, nor do I have any clue what the future does not hold.

But really, folks that would say I might miss out are just folks who have chased smoke in the past and are still delusional enough to think they might have a chance of catching it if they just try a bit harder tomorrow, refine their methods, or hold their tongue a different way. Whatever? It's smoke. Can't catch it. Sounds slightly insane to me.

So, the whole thing about counting the cost and looking at horse teeth just gets really confusing, muddled. But, what if...

How about instead of considering the horse, we consider the giver? What if we follow the old advice and forget entirely about the gift's oral cavity and ask ourselves whether or not the giver would ever hoodwink us, ever pass off a secondhand gift?

I met Adria yesterday. Today, I had a great cup of coffee during my drive to number one. Would the Source give us a sick horse? Would He ever give us a gift that He has mistreated, mishandled, or abused? Doubtful!

I've just made a decision. If a man ever offers me a free horse, I'll have a cup of coffee with him before I accept the gift. Get to know the Giver a little. Find out what kind of giver he is so that I don't have to inspect the gift because, to be quite honest, I don't know as much about horses as I do about men. Or maybe it'll be chocolate milk instead of coffee. No, still not it.

I know.

I'll have both! After all, I am me.

Nuff said.