A return...?

I'm not really bored right now, just needed a momentary change of pace and figured I'd type a line or two.

It's been a long and educational year.  I've had many challenges to thoughts of myself and others, science, philosophy, religion, and life in general.

I've got so many thoughts bouncing around in here that need to be organized.

I may have to go at it Pirsig style, but that's not for this moment.

It'll be a good summer for sorting them out.

A Sentiment From the Past

So I ran across a scrap of paper a few days ago that I had penned the following words upon about six or seven years ago while sitting in my truck watching the sun set in late November:

As time is slowly dragging by,
I know the days are getting
longer.  Nights are getting
thicker and colder. But it's
not the weather causing these
changes. It's not the time
of year with the changing
of seasons. All this is in
my heart. Places in my
soul that were once kind
and soft are growing
older, being weathered as
an old stone gate. Friends
and strangers come and go.
As people pass through,
their hands pass
over my rough and
smooth edges. Slowly,
very slowly, small pieces
fall off. It's not time or
seasons that are causing
these changes, it's the
people that enter in and
stay for a while, but then
eventually they part from
me. Days grow longer as
the fear of friends leaving
comes more certain.

Writing is good.  Journals, diaries, memoirs, or scraps of paper tossed here and stashed there that one day they may be found and remind us of where we've been and hopefully point us towards where we are going.  I have had some very deep and dark nights of the soul and I expect to see more of them before my time here is done.

And just as the seasons change and give us a vast cycle of life here on earth, so the seasons of the soul change from Winter's Dark nights to Spring's Bright mornings.

Choices.

So I have been around some people the past few days who are all about choices.  Our choices can empower us.

Really?  You mean we can be who we choose to be?  I disagreed with that for years.  Now, I think our choices are paramount.

Years of the sovereignty of God not correctly processed led to some really incorrect ideas floating around my noggin.  And there's Joseph and all that happened to him.  I've been told dualism; I'm not sure about dualism.

I've been reading and thinking through some metaphysics lately.  Perhaps we have misunderstood the reality of God?  Perhaps the dualism of man's responsibility and God's sovereignty is only apparent because we have not grasped the reality of the Father.

I look back at the choices I have made in the past two years and wonder...

Did God intend good out of my thoughtlessness and carelessness?  Yeah, good has come.  But there's still this struggle.

With choices, is it about spending hours in prayer hoping God will change something, or is it making the choice to actively change things?  Is it both?  Neither?

If I say choices, then I get the credit.  If I say God, then perhaps the same nothing will continue to exist that has been floating around for quite some time.  If I say both, then I may have some logically inconsistent premises.  If I say neither, then I'm really screwed.

However, to say my choices are the key is just stupid or at least incomplete.  It may be my choices that turn the point, but experience has shown me I can't make the right choices.  Something has to flip.  A busted hammer can't mend itself.  And though I want to make right choices, I don't.  Is this where God comes in?

Twelve step programs say we need a higher power.  A man could choose a lamppost as his higher power.  It's always there.  It always serves its purpose.  I wonder if any studies have been done on the sobriety of men who chose the lamppost as their higher power.

So God causes the flip.  I ask Him and He does it.  I don't ask and He doesn't do it.  So does that mean the deciding factor is my asking?  Guess so.  Well that doesn't seem right because I get credit.  But the man with a pain who decides to go to the doctor doesn't get credit for the remedy the doctor applies.  What was it that caused him to go to the doctor or me to ask God?  We get into an infinite regress and someone wises up and just says God.  I don't buy it, at least not in that packaging.  Something doesn't quite connect here.  Out grasp of reality is likely a little shaky.

I don't have answers.  I have questions.  But I'm seeking the answers.

This isn't some crisis of faith.  This isn't questioning the existence of God.  This is a question of how well do we understand the reality of God and the reality of our existence.  Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.  He is the way to live as social creatures.  He is our spiritual life.  But have we really applied ourselves to an understanding of what it means that He is the truth?

I only expect one reader to have any clue where I'm coming from.  For the rest of you, I hope that you can, like me, ponder whether we've believed things that are contradictory without thinking you're sinning and without doubting God's existence and Christ His Son.

Wrenches.

There’s a satisfaction in turning a wrench or a screwdriver or ratchet that just isn’t found anywhere else.  It seems that whether the task is simple or complex, I derive a singular and unique pleasure from working with simple tools.

I bought a motorcycle a few weeks ago and just now I was spending a few moments adjusting the right side of the handle bars.  The next project is to sort out an oil leak.  The previous owner had a shop fix an oil leak; I’m inclined to believe they may have taken money for services NOT rendered.  That’s the way it goes sometimes.

This morning we enjoyed a sermon on mature masculinity.  Many points were made, among which was the fact that our masculinity is measured within the context of our interactions with and concerning females.  How do I treat them, talk about them, and think about them?  It was much needed for many of us, for myself particularly.  It gave me much to think about in addition to the countless other topics that I consider each day.

This bike doesn’t make me more manly.  Like so many other things, it just is.  The guns I own do not make me more manly, they just are.

I’ve not written anything recently and perhaps I’m a tad rusty.  Or at least many of my thoughts over these recent months are not as ordered and fully articulated as I would like them to be for sharing with others.  I hope to tidy up a bit and see if I can get some thoughts out.

I enjoy turning wrenches, running my saw, or wielding my axes and hammers.

I hope to get my hands dirty and mind tidied a bit.  You’ll know if either happen any time soon.

Preciousness.

So I just got back from the vet.  I am not a perfect pet owner.  And my dogs are certainly not people.  They live outside and do what they want.  They sleep on our front porch and bark at night just to be sure we know they’re keeping the forest creatures at bay.  I pet them daily and they greet me morning and evening.  I don’t really play with them.  I work a lot, but when we’re working in the yard, they’re with us.  If one of them were to run off and not return, I wouldn’t really be devastated.

But this morning the vet told me they both have heart worms.  It is a recent infection.  It’s fatal if untreated and she said that even now if they’re out running about there is a chance they could just drop dead.

And so two hours ago they were just dogs I was taking to get rabies shots, but now I face not only the dilemma of lacking $1400, I am also left considering why it is that we hold life to be so precious.

Completely unrelated to this little story is the movie currently playing on the screen, “Blood Diamond.”  I’ve already gotten teary eyed a few times... not the first time I’ve seen it.  I know how it ends and I hate it.  The romantic in me wishes the love story ended happily ever after, but it does not.

For those of you who catch the reference, theology aside, I wish love would win in the end.  Life is precious.  I’ve known a number of judgmental, self-righteous hypocrites over the years.  Hell, I’ve been one myself and still have relapses.  

No human is dirty.  There are no untouchables.  And I know I’ll make myself a hypocrite a million times over before I’m dead and gone for having made this statement.

Why is life precious?  Why do I suddenly have a burden for these dogs that I did not previously have?  They’re just dogs, right?  I have problems of my own.  Moral, ethical, philosophical dilemmas that they know nothing of or ever will.

I’m tired.

Released.

Do you remember the Shawshank Redemption?  There was an old man who had been in prison for decades.  Finally, he had served his time.  He was released and tried to reenter society.  It was not long before he hanged himself in his small apartment.  It was tragic!  I remember crying hard the first time I saw this when I was younger.  I didn’t really understand the depths of my emotions then and I don’t know if I do even now.

I was recently released from a voluntary imprisonment.  It would have been a decade this July, but I received an early release.  I was floundering, totally adrift at sea for about a week.

I’ve adjusted a little since then, but I still have a “lost” feeling about me.  It’s like I know there is some question to be answered, I just haven’t discovered the question yet?

I haven’t written in some time and that may not be good.  But what is good?  

Freedom is much more frightening than enslavement.  You have no choice as a slave and are not allowed much room for error by your master.  The freed man has choice and great room for error.  The slave has goals set for him.  The free man must set his own goals.

What are my goals?  Am I even free to set them?

Recently, I’ve made many new friends.

Years ago I wrote a poem about my friendships.  It was a grey poem, fated and gloomy.  It was about the transitory and fatal quality of my own friendships.  I do not know if it was pessimistic dribble or some ill-fated prophecy of times to come.

We are told we must have friends.  We must be social.  Being lonely and alone is bad.  But what is bad?  What if it’s good for me to be alone?  What if there are those of us who are designed to be desert dwellers for some time and then meet our end?  

I’m reading a book write now that I am enjoying, but not because of some derived ecstatic pleasure.  I feel that some question may result from it and thus my enjoyment.  I’ve never thought much about creativity.  Now I am beginning to.  Am I supposed to be creative?  If I am, then how, where, why?

What about all the systems I am in?  Will they permit it?

I’ve always reckoned that to be creative you must be a genius, public, prominent, and displayed, which I certainly am not.  But maybe there is private creativity that will never be appreciated by anyone.  Maybe creativity is simply being fully and completely oneself.  

I don’t have answers because I don’t even know the questions.

I have a new friend.  And we chatted creativity recently, briefly.  I’ve always written myself off as being uncreative, but maybe it’s some type of self-indictment that I’ve not been fully myself.  I do not want to be someone else, I want to be me.  I don’t want to be told who I am, but rather I want to be myself.  I want to be insanely me.

But you know what?  I want to be insanely me with others who are insanely themselves!  I think the only reason to be a desert dweller is because you’re the only one insane enough to be yourself in a society of men who are sanely others.

I’m suspicious of people who might claim their own insanity, but I’m not sure they are, I think they may be self-deluded impostures.  

Perhaps I’ve just said nothing.

At least nothing has now been released.

Supplanter.

Boredom generally overtakes me, not owing to a lack of anything to do, but due to the lack of proper location.  If I were at home right now, then I would have plenty to do.

Yesterday I was bored enough to look up the meanings of names.  James means supplanter.  Edward means wealthy guardian.  Bradley means wide meadow.  I have no clue what it means to put them all together.

I don’t know if I have ever supplanted anyone.  And I am pretty sure I’ll never be the wealthy guardian of anyone.  All I can figure is that Bradley is prophetic for where I will die or be buried or something.

I say all that for no reason at all.

However, last night I did watch “Far and Away” with some friends.  If unfamiliar to you, it is a tale of two Irish immigrants come to America seeking land and fortune.  It is a good movie.

There is one scene midway through the movie where the two main characters experience a little bit of sexual tension.  And so, in a moment of genius, the Irish scrapper gets into a few fights to release a little built up frustration.  And he turns out to be a bare-knuckle boxing champ.

I shall now attempt to turn this all spiritual.  

Recently, I was talking with a friend about Lent and fasting.  And that conversation seems somehow to relate to this Irish fighter.  The LORD says in Isaiah 58 that he doesn’t really like the fasting that is taking place.  He says that true fasting is a time to “loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free,” to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and house the homeless. (I know I’m not citing properly, but God, as the author, doesn’t care if I don’t do the APA or MLA thing)  Anyway, sorry for that there!

So here is this young Irish fella who is frustrated because of unreleased sexuality.  He turns to boxing.  Now we may be inclined to pass judgement on such a violent remedy, but he was able to begin earning wages and make it a productive venture.

And isn’t that what God is saying about fasting?  Don’t fast for stupid religiosity, but rather be productive in helping the helpless while you abstain from food or drink or whatever it is that you deny yourself having.  And that makes sense. 

If, for forty days, I am refraining from $5.00 FrappaDappaLatteCinos, what am I doing with that money?  Buying new, overpriced wardrobe accessories?  Or the latest Passion “Worship” albums?  Or new trendy Chuck Taylors or Toms like all the other Christians? Or do you take the money and feed a hungry man?  Or give it to a friend struggling to make rent?

If I seem harsh, that’s just fine.  How about I think of my crap?  Excuse me, stuff.  Crazy surround sound system?  Slick digital gadgets?  More running shirts than I could possibly run in at any given time?  And hey, I’m terrible at self-denial!  I can often be heard to jokingly say, “I do what I want!”  How often we find truth in jest?!

I think the point of this is that I need to find a bare-knuckle boxing club.  My own fight club.  I’m not the type to just up and practice self-denial for its own sake; I’m not that strong.  I need some side motivation.  I need to know that I am helping someone or doing something productive.

We shouldn’t practice self-denial just for the sake of being a modern day Pharisee.  We must practice it because self-denial teaches us to hold lightly, if at all, the things of this world and be ever ready to cast them down.  We must brutally pursue Christ, otherwise we are unworthy to be called his own.  I must learn to deny myself, to be disciplined, such that there is some eternal benefit from the act of denial.

If you see me clinch my fists, you know I’m about to start denying.  I expect this line will make no sense to anyone, unless of course you’ve played battle ball with me or heard tales of such...

Oh yeah, this is not great writing.  My apologies